sharing my survival story

Within the last 48 hours, I heard the following statements:

“I have only ever seen this in pictures at medical conferences”

“I have never seen this in a real life situation”

“In 30 years as an Obstetrician, I have seen this only one other time”

Within the last 24 hours, I was sitting in the Oncology area of the local hospital, next to a patient seemingly receiving his chemo therapy, waiting for a shot to be administered.

Within the last 20 minutes, I have taken medicine that will induce my third miscarriage…..welcome to my journey.

Why am I about to open myself, and my experiences, up to the world?  I understand there are a million and one different reasons why a lot of people would not feel comfortable, in my position, telling their story.  This is the reason why I am going to.  If by sharing my story, my experiences, my thoughts, my tips on how I am surviving, I help just one person get through their own journey, then I have succeeded with what I have set out to accomplish.

Over the past three years {yes, I will have A LOT to talk about}, one of the biggest frustrations I have faced is that there is not a whole lot out there that describes what it is like to go through the infertility issues I have been faced with.  There are plenty of online forums where people say things like, “I am freaking out…I am pregnant and running into XYZ, what does this mean?”  This person is relying on strangers from the internet to help her self diagnose something rather than simply calling her doctor.  Then, even worse, she never gives an update as to what actually happened, or {more importantly} how she got through it. 

Because of this lack of sharing a “bad” outcome by anyone else, I too did not want to let anyone {other than close friends or family members} know what I had been through after the first miscarriage {and I was initially hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings with those loved ones in the beginning…I instead put up walls and tried to block myself off to the world rather then letting them help me through this}. 

I felt like since nobody else was sharing experiences like mine, that either others wouldn’t care or wouldn’t understand.  There really isn’t just one word to describe this feeling, but if I had to put a label on it, I guess the best way to describe how I felt was that I was embarrassed about what was going on.  Embarrassment is definitely NOT one of the feelings someone dealing with infertility issues should ever have.  Infertility is certainly more common than anyone ever knows. 

Another reason why am I sharing my story?  Even if someone doesn’t want to share their own experiences, if by reading through mine it helps them to understand that what they are going through is actually more normal than they realize, and then they no longer feel embarrassed, or ashamed, or whatever negative feelings they currently have about themselves, then I have succeeded with that I have set out to accomplish.

My last reason for sharing my story, and putting it out on the internet for anyone to see {forever, nonetheless}, is actually a bit selfish.  I will be using this platform as my own personal therapy session.  It is very similar to therapy sessions in places such as rehab centers where they have their patients write letters to those that they want to apologize to, speak to if they haven’t in a long while, etc. 

The difference between what I am doing, and this letter writing practice, is that the written letters typically do not get sent out.  The letter writing process is only ever meant to help the person writing the letter and not the intended recipient.  It certainly helps me to get things out {and write my letter here}, but if I can let my guard down, and be vulnerable enough, to share my experiences in the hopes that someone else will benefit from it, then I should.

I want to be clear on a couple of things that I am NOT trying to accomplish with sharing my story.  I am not looking for anyone to feel bad for me.  Please do not feel the need to send me any sympathies.  I would rather you pass my story along to someone when you find they are dealing with similar issues {because guess what….I can guarantee that at least one person in your life, whether you know it or not, right now is trying to deal with these same difficult feelings and decisions without anyone knowing, and therefore without the love and support from anyone….that person needs your sympathies right now}. 

Also, I do not want to make anyone not dealing with infertility issues feel guilty for what they have {a healthy pregnancy, a little one of their own, or anything in-between}.  I have made enough people feel these things in the past and it is one of the things I most regret about this journey.  It was not that I intentionally wanted anyone to ever feel this way {guilty, secretive, or otherwise}, but by trying to deal with these feelings on my own at first, my emotions ended up boiling over onto other’s lives. 

I have since learned {and am still learning how} to reach out and rely on the support of my friends and loved ones once I learned of their eager willingness to listen and help me through this.  Had I not done this, I am not sure where some of those relationships would stand today.  But please, if you have found this blog, and maybe you know me personally, please do not feel you need to hide any of your joy from me about anything.  Even if you do not believe this at first, I am actually really excited for you too and want to share in this joy {who doesn’t like being happy?}.  I can certainly attest to the miracle of life being an extreme blessing that should only ever be celebrated.

Lastly, I am not trying to help anyone self-diagnose themselves.  I am not a doctor.  Let me repeat this……I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  Although I will be sharing with you how I was treated by my own doctor in regards to different medical situations, that is in no way a reason for anyone to not call their own doctor with questions or concerns.  Really, the reason I will be sharing with you the medical aspect of my story is only to help you understand the decisions I have been faced with……I am hoping what others take away is an understanding of why I made the decisions I did in hopes that it will help them when faced with decision making situations of their own, not to try and find a reason not to call their own doctor to seek medical advice.  Again, I am not a doctor.

I know this post doesn’t really go into too much detail about the past three years.  But don’t worry, it is coming.  What I really wanted to do was get the ball rolling and help everyone understand my intentions before I even write that first letter.  Today, however, I will be dealing {with the support of my loved ones} with the grieving process.  As soon as I am able, there will be plenty more to read. 

And although I do not plan to get into too much of the “medical” details about what it has been like {physically} to go through three miscarriages, there will be bits and pieces.  Therefore, to those that have found this blog by Googling for different parts of the female anatomy, I apologize, you are in the wrong place, my friend.  If you are not comfortable reading about the female anatomy, and how it works, you are in the wrong place.

If you are just finding my story {and it is now years into the future}, and need to get caught up, click on the link at the top of my blog that will give you a listing of all the posts related to my infertility journey.  Feel free to email me and share your story as well, I am not only here to speak, I am more than happy to listen.

So, this gives you an idea about what has been going on at West Street Story.  We haven’t been working so much on the roof over our head {the intended information that I planned to share when setting up this blog} as much as we have been working on filling our home with a family.  You will now get to learn what we have been doing over the past three years!

Also, one last final note, before I sign off…….in case I didn’t make it clear earlier…..I am not a doctor.